So we open with Sue Meta-ing all over this business, fully explaining the structure of the show tonight: several unrelated, but thematically similar vignettes in the style of Love, Actually.
We jump right into:
Artie. He is fully pissed because the maintenance crew failed to properly salt the ramp, and he fell down it and out of his chair, and wasn’t able to get back in until help arrived. Finn takes him to the nurse, and as Artie wishes he was never in the chair, he passes out of the nurses’ cot. We wake up to a black and white world where Artie can walk, and Rory is his guardian angel. A montage of how the world changed plays, and it was pretty ridiculous.
Apparently, Artie thinks very highly of himself, because, for starters, he’s on the football team, and Becky is the school slut due to Artie not being nice to her, and Tina is still T-T-Tina. Puck, Finn, and Ryder are still jerks(Puck and Finn didn’t graduate cause they are morons without Artie, apparently.) Kurt also didn’t graduate due to missing so much school from bullying(apparently, Artie single-handedly stops bullying, too), all because glee club was never started due to Artie not joining. As if anything would have stopped Rachel, but whatever. Speaking of Rachel, she’s now a demure librarian assistant, because a poor district in Lima can afford an assistant for the librarian. Oh, and Terry has a baby, and is still with a (now) alcoholic Shue, and Emma is in Hawaii with Coach Tanaka.
Artie freaks out, and runs to the auditorium yelling for Rory, who tells him he was the glue that held glee together(*snort*), and with him too busy playing football to join, it never stuck. Artie calls everyone into the choir room to try to get glee going, but no one is into, even the conspicuously absent Quinn, which Artie asks Rory about. Turns out she died of a broken spirit after her texting and driving accident, because apparently, the writers think Quinn is an idiot in all timelines.
Artie is fully depressed over this news, but then wakes up, and is much happier for his lot in life. We then go to…
Kurt and Rachel. They are discussing their plans(Rachel:cruise, Kurt:mope), when who should show up, but Burt! Kurt and Burt hang out in New York, finally ending up at a diner. Burt has news, though: he has cancer. Because of course he does. Kurt starts freaking out a bit, but Burt calms him down, and they head back to the apartment for their Christmas Eve present opening tradition. Kurt got Burt a NYADA hat and shirt, and Burt got Kurt an address. More specifically, a place to be in just a short while.
When Kurt gets there, who should he find but Blaine! Apparently, Burt brought him out as well. They duet on the ice rink, and have a heart to heart about staying friends even though they aren’t together, and it’s fully saccharine and only a bit annoying. Luckily, we cut to…
Jake and Puck. Puck is still worried about Jake, especially after he has to break up a fight between Jake and a couple of meatheads, and so convinces him to come to California for bro-bonding time. They ‘network,’ which apparently means singing a song at a movie lot, wandering around and getting into shots that I’m sure the director was just thrilled to have ruined. Cut to the boys lounging by a pool, with Puck extolling the good life. Except the actual owner of the house chooses that moment to come home, and kicks the boys to the curb. Turns out she was on vacation, and Puck was using her house to make Jake think he wasn’t a loser. Jake is only a little incensed, and then convinces Puck to come back to Lima to celebrate Christmas with both of their moms.
It’s about as awkward as you would expect with two women who had both been with the same guy, but the boys convince them that the person they should hate is the loser ex, and not each other, and the women bond while the boys chow down their meal at Breadstix. Next, we see…
Brit and Sam. Brit is walking down the hall giving all her friends exceptionally extravagant presents like cars and cruises until Sam stops her to ask what’s up. Turns out Brit is an adherent to the Mayan doomsday scenario. Sam gives her a look, because as it happens, so is he! They decide, since the world is going to end, that they should tell their friends what they really think of them. It’s not very nice, because of course, and everyone leaves after the first tongue-lashing. Sam and Brit whine a bit about how no one understands them, and so they must sing! And then, get engaged! And then, get married, because the world is ending! By Coach Bieste, who is apparently a online-ordained Mayan priestess, and can perform weddings.
However, they wake up on December 22nd, and the world hadn’t ended. They are super disappointed, and super married. And with that, we visit…
Sue and Marley. Sue, for reasons known only to her, decided to throw her name in for Secret Santa, and drew Marley’s mom, of course. Sue decides to figure out this mystery, she should stealthily skulk in a fully lit doorway in clear view of Marley’s mom, who is talking to Marley. They are discussing Marley’s bulimia therapy needs and cost, and suddenly Sue’s gift becomes clear. In basically a direct copy of every Christmas episode this show has done, Sue’s heart grows three sizes, and she gives a massive present to Marley and her mom of designer clothes and money for therapy. Of course, she got the money by selling the Christmas tree she cut from a 7000 year old tree to an antique toothpick dealer(?). Marley’s mom insists that she can’t keep the money, but Sue does some insisting of her own, and everything in the bulimia storyline is wrapped up with a neat little bow, totally like real life.
And to tie up the rest of the episode, we learn first that Bieste totally lied to Sam and Brit, and they aren’t married. Kurt and Blaine chill at the apartment, with Blaine telling Kurt he’d like to apply to NYATA, and Kurt fake smiling like a champ. Jake and Puck’s mothers bond some more, while Puck announces he’s going to stay in Lima for reasons. And finally, Marley wants to thank Sue by singing a Christmas carol to her.
This was a fun episode, even if the vignettes really don’t stand up to much scrutiny. Most of the songs were fun, and the character developments were there, even if story wasn’t.
Feliz Navidad as sung by Artie
White Christmas as sung by Kurt and Blaine
O Hanukkah as sung by Jake and Puck
Jingle Bell Rock as sung by Sam and Brit
The First Noel as sung by Marley